


Recovery, or Something Close to It

by whatnowpunk



Category: Captain America (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: M/M, Multi, idk bucky is just so great and stuff and he's trying so hard, implied stucky - Freeform, mentions of cryo, mentions of torture, pretty canon compliant
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-02-18
Updated: 2016-02-18
Packaged: 2018-05-21 13:16:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 718
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6052954
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whatnowpunk/pseuds/whatnowpunk
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bucky is working on recovery, and his memories are getting sharper everyday.</p><p>-or-</p><p>Buck is trying really hard and here are his thoughts during his time in recovery (does it ever really end though)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Bucky was recovering, or something, he didn’t really know. He knew his name, James Buchanan Barnes, and his rank, Sergeant, but beyond that his memories, or at least the relevant ones, were gone. He didn't remember what happened to his arm, or why it was cold, and heavy, and metal. The last thing he remembered was falling.

He remembers his friends first. The ones that called themselves the Howling Commandos. He remembers his best friend, Steve, the one he was always in love with. The one he left to join the war, and the one who turned up bigger and stronger than ever. He never thought he’d see him again. He never thought they’d both live through the war and now he’s in the room and it’s so bright, and everything has sharp edges.

He starts to remember things he didn't want to do. Remembers training the red one, the one who visits with Steve sometimes, the widow. He remembers the killing. Remembers the cold of the room where they saved him for their next mission. He remembers the pain, the shock of warmth, and the chair that they used to try to make him forget.

He remembers the languages. When they would torture him until he didn’t reply in his own languages, until he didn’t reply with his name and rank. They thought he forgot but he was just hiding.

His brain is a mix of the things he hid and the things they taught. The things he learned how to hide inside of himself, like the shape of Steve’s chest under his hand, the way he struggled to breathe. He held on to the dancing, the dates, bringing the worst girls for Steve so that maybe they could dance together once they were home. He knows what they must have taught him, knows that he didn't go from fighting on the docks to assassinating dignitaries in the blink of an eye, knows he can’t have taught the widows things he didn’t already know himself.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> aka the one abt buck and stevie

Bucky knows that Steve means well, that the small boy who is now this huge man has never done anything with bad intent, that he is with Bucky to the end of the line. But it is hard to shake the conditioning, the voice in his brain telling him he loves Steve is fighting against the one telling him to kill Steve, to take him in to his handler.

Steve comes, every day he comes, bringing blankets and drawings and the cookies that “used to be your favorite Buck” but it is too much, too soon, and only the widow, understands that. She sees him, sees inside him and it should be horrible but he knows her, knows that he taught her how to look inside of someone and see who they are. She pulls Steve away and Bucky knows the widow, Natalia, his brain tells him, even though he does not remember much about her. 

Natalia goes by Natasha now, he has heard the others talk about her. When Steve comes with his friends, Natasha is the one he trusts most. He doesn’t trust Stark, just as he didn’t trust his father, Stark talks too much and too fast, doesn't care about Steve’s safety. When they brought Bucky in Natasha was the only one who understood and she is still the only one, knows which memories are confusing, and tells Steve to stop when she sees Bucky trying too hard to understand.

Steve is still as wonderful as he was the last time Bucky saw him, or at least, the last time he remembers seeing him. It’s hard to think about the things he’s done since they were together, with the rest of the boys, since he got jealous of a Brit dame with killer aim, since Steve needed him back. Bucky knows it’s too much to ask that Steve might remember the things he said to him in a tent somewhere in battle rife Europe, about love and loss and all the things Bucky felt for him. He doesn’t know enough about where he is, when he is, to know if Steve can let himself remember the things they did in that tent, if Steve drops his hand when others walk in because he has to, or because he can.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> all my chapters are short af and idc really

**Author's Note:**

> this might be trash who knows


End file.
